This journal entry is a long time coming. I am feeling as though I wish I had never been born. How sad is that? I asked others if they have ever felt this way and the answer was a resounding "no." When this thought pops into my psyche, I honestly feel like this is normal and that others experience this as well. This is definitely not the case, and I now realize that thoughts in this nature are abnormal.
Sadly, I do battle with the thoughts of what if my parents never conceived me. Then I wouldn't be on this planet existing and forced to deal with all this stress. I wouldn't even be a factor. I wouldn't be overwhelmed. I wouldn't be treated like shit. I wouldn't feel hopeless. I wouldn't be fearful. I would be depressed and I wouldn't be full of anxiety and self-doubt. I wouldn't have trouble sleeping. I wouldn't have trouble eating. I wouldn't turn to whiskey for comfort. I would be on antidepressants. I wouldn't be plagued with negative thoughts. I wouldn't think of myself as a failure. I wouldn't be afraid to venture out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't be self conscious. I wouldn't soul-absorb all of my mother's fuckery such as "you make me sick." I wouldn't worry about her or my self. I wouldn't be sick. I wouldn't be here to watch her be sick. I just...wouldn't.
With that said, no I really do not have a grand appreciation for life. I am not glad that I woke up this morning. Had I stayed sleep, I wouldn't have to deal with any of the negatives. Had I lost consciously, I wouldn't have to experience, think, dream or deal with any of this. I wouldn't have to spend money on therapy. I just wouldn't. I am now thinking of a person that says "smile, you woke up this morning." I can't help but to think of ineffective and counterproductive that is for a person with depression. Quite frankly, in our mind, things would be better had we not opened our eyes to face the bullshit all over again.
I am sure some folks will call us selfish but I honestly don't care. You have no idea what goes on in the mind of those in my situation. We just want the suffering and pain to end. We are not thinking about how this will affect others in the process. I think that it may even be beneficial for others had I not been born. My mother wouldn't have struggled to care for me. She is probably one of the most financially unstable people I know. I am sure I have written someplace about her not being able to provide a stable home for me growing up. I am sure she tried her best, but she still did not do very well. Always facing eviction, having to pawn things to eat...it was just not good. Anyway, had I never been born, she could have lived as recklessly as she desired. Went out and slept with whomever she desired, never worked, lived in a shelter, and maybe even received help for her personality disorders. Who the hell knows. I do know that I would not be sitting here drowning in my own darkness. I would be verbally beat down.
My father is a different animal altogether. He would not have been forced to pretend like he gave a damn about me. I suppose that sums it up. My existence was a disruption to his path of escaping reality by any means necessary.
So yeah. That is pretty much it. Now I have invested a pretty piece of change in a business that I have little drive to steer into success. The money is already spent and my refund deadline has ended. I definitely have to do something. I would like to push myself to get a least one damn client. But then there is the safety of the status quo and not doing anything to challenge my comfort zone or my fear. I know that I need to work on my anxiety because I read an article about it this morning. I jumble up my words because I am nervous and trying to talk to fast. Oftentimes my brain is moving much faster than my mouth. Therefore, my goal for today and for the future is to slow down when I speak. Pause...and slow it down. "Nice and slow see, that's the way to do it. Nice and slow." Also taking deep breaths should help me calm down and not be so nervous. Hopefully this helps when I build up the nerve to go out and talk to medical professionals and office managers this year. One can hold on to a shred of hope, right?
AP
Sadly, I do battle with the thoughts of what if my parents never conceived me. Then I wouldn't be on this planet existing and forced to deal with all this stress. I wouldn't even be a factor. I wouldn't be overwhelmed. I wouldn't be treated like shit. I wouldn't feel hopeless. I wouldn't be fearful. I would be depressed and I wouldn't be full of anxiety and self-doubt. I wouldn't have trouble sleeping. I wouldn't have trouble eating. I wouldn't turn to whiskey for comfort. I would be on antidepressants. I wouldn't be plagued with negative thoughts. I wouldn't think of myself as a failure. I wouldn't be afraid to venture out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't be self conscious. I wouldn't soul-absorb all of my mother's fuckery such as "you make me sick." I wouldn't worry about her or my self. I wouldn't be sick. I wouldn't be here to watch her be sick. I just...wouldn't.
With that said, no I really do not have a grand appreciation for life. I am not glad that I woke up this morning. Had I stayed sleep, I wouldn't have to deal with any of the negatives. Had I lost consciously, I wouldn't have to experience, think, dream or deal with any of this. I wouldn't have to spend money on therapy. I just wouldn't. I am now thinking of a person that says "smile, you woke up this morning." I can't help but to think of ineffective and counterproductive that is for a person with depression. Quite frankly, in our mind, things would be better had we not opened our eyes to face the bullshit all over again.
I am sure some folks will call us selfish but I honestly don't care. You have no idea what goes on in the mind of those in my situation. We just want the suffering and pain to end. We are not thinking about how this will affect others in the process. I think that it may even be beneficial for others had I not been born. My mother wouldn't have struggled to care for me. She is probably one of the most financially unstable people I know. I am sure I have written someplace about her not being able to provide a stable home for me growing up. I am sure she tried her best, but she still did not do very well. Always facing eviction, having to pawn things to eat...it was just not good. Anyway, had I never been born, she could have lived as recklessly as she desired. Went out and slept with whomever she desired, never worked, lived in a shelter, and maybe even received help for her personality disorders. Who the hell knows. I do know that I would not be sitting here drowning in my own darkness. I would be verbally beat down.
My father is a different animal altogether. He would not have been forced to pretend like he gave a damn about me. I suppose that sums it up. My existence was a disruption to his path of escaping reality by any means necessary.
So yeah. That is pretty much it. Now I have invested a pretty piece of change in a business that I have little drive to steer into success. The money is already spent and my refund deadline has ended. I definitely have to do something. I would like to push myself to get a least one damn client. But then there is the safety of the status quo and not doing anything to challenge my comfort zone or my fear. I know that I need to work on my anxiety because I read an article about it this morning. I jumble up my words because I am nervous and trying to talk to fast. Oftentimes my brain is moving much faster than my mouth. Therefore, my goal for today and for the future is to slow down when I speak. Pause...and slow it down. "Nice and slow see, that's the way to do it. Nice and slow." Also taking deep breaths should help me calm down and not be so nervous. Hopefully this helps when I build up the nerve to go out and talk to medical professionals and office managers this year. One can hold on to a shred of hope, right?
AP
No comments:
Post a Comment