This evening I have come to the realization that I have very little value for my life. I honestly don't care that I woke up today and I don't care if I wake up tomorrow. I think that what keeps me going is the fact that if I left, everyone around me would be greatly impacted. Some may even be heartbroken. My mother may give up her fight. Thor cat may walk around looking for me. I really can't say. I can only speculate.
I often think about this when I am on an airplane. What if it is just falls out of the sky killing everyone on board? I do know that I do not want to experience the falling sensation. I already can't stand choppy landings because it turns my stomach. I do not like to ride on roller coasters for that same reason. I can't stand that feeling. However, if the plane were to just blow up or something that would be completely different.
No, I am not happy that the universe or a deity woke me up this morning. No, I am not smiling and grateful because of it. Maybe I would like to stay asleep to take away the sadness and panic that I feel. Sleep seems to take away all the worry and quells the negative thoughts. I can't remember the last time that I was happy to get out of bed. Maybe it was the last time I went on a vacation. I am always looking for an escape from life. I know that I can't run from myself or my thoughts, but it seems like new surroundings fill my mind with so much stimuli that there is not nearly as much room available for the anxiety.
Have I mentioned that I am terribly attracted to water? I love large bodies of water. I love to sit off in the distance and look at it. I love to listen to the calming sounds of waves crashing the shores. The white noise is so calming. At the same time, large bodies of water frighten me. Therefore, I hardly ever go into the water. I will sit and stare at it. I will take in the sounds and let my mind soak it in during a long walk or jog. I have a grand respect for water. I am constantly humbled by its majesty, force, beauty and life giving power.
I am going to Florida in a few days. At least I hope to go to Florida. I plan to get to the beach soon after arriving. I want to walk along the boardwalk and get as much sun as I can. Sadly, the sun is still setting pretty early these days since it is winter time. I also plan to watch a sunrise on Wednesday morning. I suppose I had better pack my sunglasses and a couple of pairs of contact lenses. It would also be nice if I could jog, yoga or work out on the beach. Who knows. I may go see a movie before I go or stop at a bar for an ice cold beer or a flute of champagne. Maybe I will order pizza to my room. I really do not have any concrete plans outside of hitting the beach.
That is next week though. Which seems like an eternity away. Right now, I am just sad. My mother is so sick and she seems to be getting less lucid. It feels like I am losing her. She treats me like crap a great deal of the time but I still love her. I don't like her behavior most of the time because she is very childish, thoughtless and irresponsible. But I still care about her and can't stand to see her suffer. That is my greatest concern right now, trying to make her life a bit more comfortable. It is very hard to do that when the recipient complains all the time and is ungrateful. Still I try.
There is lots to get done for my little business endeavor too. I have so much reading to do. I set a goal to install my dental software today and that goal has been accomplished. Additionally, I enrolled in a cute little class on 360 training to get the basics about medical coding. It was very informative. I found a vlogger on YouTube that coaches people on medical coding and helps guide them into getting certified. I am not sure if I want to get certified right away. It would probably be a good idea to do so in he future though.
It is very hard trying to be productive and ambitious while dealing with so much. I am sick, my mom is sick and we both have mental illness. Only my mental illness has been diagnosed. It is tough waking up each day knowing that you are sick and your parent is sick and either one of you can die that day. I face my mortality every single day. It is a struggle. It is an arduous challenge to try to remain forward thinking. There is a constant balancing act that I have to perform to think about the future but not to think about the future too much that it sends me into a panic. I know that for my mental health, it is conducive to live in the present. My husband, meditation, and blogging/journaling are helping me. I have also discovered that lifting weights, yoga, and rocking out to Jamiroquai help keep me in the present. I really need to practice these things more often. I would like to lift right now, but my stomach is starting to hurt again. Therefore, I may curl into a cat fluff ball and lie on the bed for the rest of the night.
A.P.
I often think about this when I am on an airplane. What if it is just falls out of the sky killing everyone on board? I do know that I do not want to experience the falling sensation. I already can't stand choppy landings because it turns my stomach. I do not like to ride on roller coasters for that same reason. I can't stand that feeling. However, if the plane were to just blow up or something that would be completely different.
No, I am not happy that the universe or a deity woke me up this morning. No, I am not smiling and grateful because of it. Maybe I would like to stay asleep to take away the sadness and panic that I feel. Sleep seems to take away all the worry and quells the negative thoughts. I can't remember the last time that I was happy to get out of bed. Maybe it was the last time I went on a vacation. I am always looking for an escape from life. I know that I can't run from myself or my thoughts, but it seems like new surroundings fill my mind with so much stimuli that there is not nearly as much room available for the anxiety.
Have I mentioned that I am terribly attracted to water? I love large bodies of water. I love to sit off in the distance and look at it. I love to listen to the calming sounds of waves crashing the shores. The white noise is so calming. At the same time, large bodies of water frighten me. Therefore, I hardly ever go into the water. I will sit and stare at it. I will take in the sounds and let my mind soak it in during a long walk or jog. I have a grand respect for water. I am constantly humbled by its majesty, force, beauty and life giving power.
I am going to Florida in a few days. At least I hope to go to Florida. I plan to get to the beach soon after arriving. I want to walk along the boardwalk and get as much sun as I can. Sadly, the sun is still setting pretty early these days since it is winter time. I also plan to watch a sunrise on Wednesday morning. I suppose I had better pack my sunglasses and a couple of pairs of contact lenses. It would also be nice if I could jog, yoga or work out on the beach. Who knows. I may go see a movie before I go or stop at a bar for an ice cold beer or a flute of champagne. Maybe I will order pizza to my room. I really do not have any concrete plans outside of hitting the beach.
That is next week though. Which seems like an eternity away. Right now, I am just sad. My mother is so sick and she seems to be getting less lucid. It feels like I am losing her. She treats me like crap a great deal of the time but I still love her. I don't like her behavior most of the time because she is very childish, thoughtless and irresponsible. But I still care about her and can't stand to see her suffer. That is my greatest concern right now, trying to make her life a bit more comfortable. It is very hard to do that when the recipient complains all the time and is ungrateful. Still I try.
There is lots to get done for my little business endeavor too. I have so much reading to do. I set a goal to install my dental software today and that goal has been accomplished. Additionally, I enrolled in a cute little class on 360 training to get the basics about medical coding. It was very informative. I found a vlogger on YouTube that coaches people on medical coding and helps guide them into getting certified. I am not sure if I want to get certified right away. It would probably be a good idea to do so in he future though.
It is very hard trying to be productive and ambitious while dealing with so much. I am sick, my mom is sick and we both have mental illness. Only my mental illness has been diagnosed. It is tough waking up each day knowing that you are sick and your parent is sick and either one of you can die that day. I face my mortality every single day. It is a struggle. It is an arduous challenge to try to remain forward thinking. There is a constant balancing act that I have to perform to think about the future but not to think about the future too much that it sends me into a panic. I know that for my mental health, it is conducive to live in the present. My husband, meditation, and blogging/journaling are helping me. I have also discovered that lifting weights, yoga, and rocking out to Jamiroquai help keep me in the present. I really need to practice these things more often. I would like to lift right now, but my stomach is starting to hurt again. Therefore, I may curl into a cat fluff ball and lie on the bed for the rest of the night.
A.P.
No comments:
Post a Comment